SILENCE OF SNOW

Sssshhh. The sky is bluebird...tufted clouds rip across the sky ushered by a cold north wind. Winter is certainly here bringing her lacy frills and plenty of surprises. This has been a letting go Christmas for me. It is such a time of bitter sweetness and sweet bitterness. Everything seems stilled and hushed and silent under a deep blanket of snow. Transformation is never easy but this past year has presented more than the average year of challenges. I love our winter sits by the fire dreaming up what we'll do when winter is over, but I've come to feel a little suspicious. It is such a delicate dance in this life...the making of plans and the dreaming of dreams versus the hand that life plates up for you. Sometimes I feel like I went to the buffet table and helped myself to my favorite balance of dishes only to arrive at my seat with a plateful of something I don't recognize at all. My choices ...have the fairies spirited them away? And did I really want that stuff on my plate? Or is this unexpected work of elvishness a tasty nourishment that I don't recognize only because I haven't yet tasted of it? I have been unemployed for most of the past 2 years. My challenge has been to speak kindly to myself and consider myself a valuable human even though I am not piling up any ch-ching. After passing through many changes and a lot of spare change, I found myself growing a delight in not working for someoneelse. For the first time in my life...I have been commander of my own ship. Navigating my day based on my bodie's need for food, sleep and exercise, I have been quite productive...growing a food garden and putting up all the good veggies for winter...caring for my home inside and out...making sure to get into the woods for forage and frolic regularly...writing...entertaining friends and exploring new ground. I did not ask to be unemployed. And certainly not for so long. And I am not collecting from anywhere. I collected for 5-6 weeks after I got laid off but when I went away for a vacation in Antigua, I let my claim lag and never resumed...feeling like I wasn't bad enough off to stay "on the dole". It doesn't ever feel especially good to collect when you are an able bodied worker. Anyway...I grabbed up a job at Sunday River for the winter...part time but at least something.

So...I trained for 2 days and then after calling over and over for a schedule, finally started my job the day after Christmas. Then the snow came. My first day at work was 7-4:30 and I came home exhaustipated. There are so many layers of dysfunction and mismanagement that I can't begin to explain or defend my choice. But on Thursday...during the epic snow...serving lines of people who become rude and overheated while they get their private lessons booked...all the computers were slugging along and freezing repeatedly creating frustration for ticket sellars and customers alike. We are told to answer the phones in one ring...yet there are face to face people who want your attention. The phones never stop. The result is a broadbased stress and frantic anxiety with everyone freaking out inside themselves because they are in an impossible situation. Thats all well and good but the heat is turned up to what feels like 90 degrees and I've worn long johns because the day before it was so cold. Add an occaisional stress related hot flash...no time to eat or drink or go to the bathroom...and the usual flubs that occur when you are working with software that you haven't been completely trained on and you get a rather disgusting dish that you can't begin to digest. By noon, I quit. And thank the lord I did because I managed to make it through the day until I cashed out at 5 pm and went home totally baked.
Now I am feeling absolutely giddy with joy to be unemployed. What's most devastating though...is the realization that they are paying me minimum wage...and that after all the stress and bullshit...I realize I've made about 65 dollars. I'm just happy to be able to say...stuff that and lay it to rest under the deep silence of snow. May you rest in peace...you who thought dollars would increase your sense of value.
I am a bird in flight from a cage of dysfunction and I heartily embrace my new found unemployment. Huzzah! Somethings just are not worth the agravation.

If I ever manage to find my happiness at Sunday River...it won't be as an employee. Look for me on Ritestuff...practicing my wing extension...making shushing noises in the silent snow.