I'm often amazed by the gyrations of the mind. The pain of course was shattering...my fragility exposed and in my vulnerability, I became BULLSHIT! Angry. Pain is the fast track into yourself as primal animal. Once there it seems my first order of business is to growl and bare my teeth at all well meaning humans. When the first order of business is will I pay up front for treatment I go into my favorite rant about the health care system in Maine and in our country. I'm in shock...i make no sense but moan like a bear giving birth...have no compunction to be nice...tell the ski patrol to stop small talking...get me out of the snow please after 30 minutes of jibjab. How do I tell her nicely that I hurt too much to chat about the weather. I pant through xrays and paperwork...a cold sweat... faint with thirst that they won't quench "in case I need surgery"...I stutter and weep and bitch and moan. Finally a woman says she's going to relocate my shoulder. Ever so gently she eases my arm back into place and I am so relieved I cry and hold her like my long lost mother. I'm sent home.
Relegated to endless hours on the couch...I begin that useless activity of trying to figure out WHY I hurt myself. My first effort is to ask myself what I did wrong...why am I being punished? Am I not grateful enough for my health? Have I not put forth good energy? Am I doing something wrong? Did I hurt somebody? Am i seeking attention from somebody? God damn...who and what is to blame? I must deserve this. And yet the more I ponder these questions...the clearer it becomes. The screw up fairy kicked my ass. Some early lepracaun pranked me. The answers I come up with are far more ridiculous than the questions themselves. Ultimately...I did this to myself. Bottom line. There is no one to blame.
The torturous quality of my mind and my thought process are my own doing. Tripping over a ski rack was my own inner clutz taking center stage...perhaps just a reminder that there are parts of me and myself that remain unconcious. Now I get to sit on the couch with that clumsy, off beat part of myself that probably has tried to get my attention in other ways but finally just HAD to make herself known. Now I get to hang out with her day after day...feeding her books and movies like a caterpillar eats leaves. I am deepened by my pain. I can sit here hating her...blaming and punishing her and relegating her back to my darkest corners. Or...I can open my arms to her. This too...is my choice.
That wormy part of me...come here. Sit beside me. Tell me what you need to tell me. I am listening.
I just wanted to tell you to stop ...stop turning a cold shoulder to your self. Get that angry chip off your shoulder and treat yourself with more tenderness. You are crippling yourself with your negative thinking...go ahead. Shirk your aching shoulder to the wind. Let the fresh coming air lift your spirits and begin to heal...again.
So I surrender. And when I do...both physical and mental pain are gone. Beneath the whole event...the fall...the healing...the stillness...the aloneness...the dependency...the temporary inconvenience...under it all...my heart still beats in peace. Now...believe.
Believe in a caterpillars transformation. That hungry wingless worm stuck in a room by herself will eventually emerge...a butterfly.
