SILENCE OF SNOW

Sssshhh. The sky is bluebird...tufted clouds rip across the sky ushered by a cold north wind. Winter is certainly here bringing her lacy frills and plenty of surprises. This has been a letting go Christmas for me. It is such a time of bitter sweetness and sweet bitterness. Everything seems stilled and hushed and silent under a deep blanket of snow. Transformation is never easy but this past year has presented more than the average year of challenges. I love our winter sits by the fire dreaming up what we'll do when winter is over, but I've come to feel a little suspicious. It is such a delicate dance in this life...the making of plans and the dreaming of dreams versus the hand that life plates up for you. Sometimes I feel like I went to the buffet table and helped myself to my favorite balance of dishes only to arrive at my seat with a plateful of something I don't recognize at all. My choices ...have the fairies spirited them away? And did I really want that stuff on my plate? Or is this unexpected work of elvishness a tasty nourishment that I don't recognize only because I haven't yet tasted of it? I have been unemployed for most of the past 2 years. My challenge has been to speak kindly to myself and consider myself a valuable human even though I am not piling up any ch-ching. After passing through many changes and a lot of spare change, I found myself growing a delight in not working for someoneelse. For the first time in my life...I have been commander of my own ship. Navigating my day based on my bodie's need for food, sleep and exercise, I have been quite productive...growing a food garden and putting up all the good veggies for winter...caring for my home inside and out...making sure to get into the woods for forage and frolic regularly...writing...entertaining friends and exploring new ground. I did not ask to be unemployed. And certainly not for so long. And I am not collecting from anywhere. I collected for 5-6 weeks after I got laid off but when I went away for a vacation in Antigua, I let my claim lag and never resumed...feeling like I wasn't bad enough off to stay "on the dole". It doesn't ever feel especially good to collect when you are an able bodied worker. Anyway...I grabbed up a job at Sunday River for the winter...part time but at least something.

So...I trained for 2 days and then after calling over and over for a schedule, finally started my job the day after Christmas. Then the snow came. My first day at work was 7-4:30 and I came home exhaustipated. There are so many layers of dysfunction and mismanagement that I can't begin to explain or defend my choice. But on Thursday...during the epic snow...serving lines of people who become rude and overheated while they get their private lessons booked...all the computers were slugging along and freezing repeatedly creating frustration for ticket sellars and customers alike. We are told to answer the phones in one ring...yet there are face to face people who want your attention. The phones never stop. The result is a broadbased stress and frantic anxiety with everyone freaking out inside themselves because they are in an impossible situation. Thats all well and good but the heat is turned up to what feels like 90 degrees and I've worn long johns because the day before it was so cold. Add an occaisional stress related hot flash...no time to eat or drink or go to the bathroom...and the usual flubs that occur when you are working with software that you haven't been completely trained on and you get a rather disgusting dish that you can't begin to digest. By noon, I quit. And thank the lord I did because I managed to make it through the day until I cashed out at 5 pm and went home totally baked.
Now I am feeling absolutely giddy with joy to be unemployed. What's most devastating though...is the realization that they are paying me minimum wage...and that after all the stress and bullshit...I realize I've made about 65 dollars. I'm just happy to be able to say...stuff that and lay it to rest under the deep silence of snow. May you rest in peace...you who thought dollars would increase your sense of value.
I am a bird in flight from a cage of dysfunction and I heartily embrace my new found unemployment. Huzzah! Somethings just are not worth the agravation.

If I ever manage to find my happiness at Sunday River...it won't be as an employee. Look for me on Ritestuff...practicing my wing extension...making shushing noises in the silent snow.

SILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT

Technology is toying with my heart. I have grown fond of keeping up with my friends on Facebook and yet, I often feel irritable after sometimes losing whole hours of my life to cyberspace. I love being connected to see the doings of my kids and their friends and yet the post Connecticut tragedy debate over guns and making schools safe gets under my skin. I'm not sure I enjoy the constant bickering of folks who think they have the answers...or better yet...those who think theirs are the only answers. I write my blog and wonder why I'm putting my heart out there for all to see. My quiet pen scratching under a warm blanket yields better writing by far and I vascillate between wanting to throw out the darn computer versus using it as a tool to express myself to those who might care. I don't like how Facebook makes you think your hanging out with friends while nearby social events go unattended. Between the TV media and the political rants, my Christmas wish this year is for silence. I wish for a deep prayer to rise out of the silence...a prayer of peace for the survivors and families of the lost angels of Connecticut...a prayer of healing for Barret Raymond's family and friends who are trying to wrap themselves around his likely death in the cold Hudson River this Christmas...prayers for Izzy...a local little girl who is losing her battle to leukemia and for her friends and family. My heart could cry a river for the depth of loss for so many this Christmas and yet...there is a hope. A hope for the raising of human conciousness and for the global human being to step up to the plate to begin to take healing action of behalf of our sad, sick planet. There is the bleak darkness of devastating loss...and yet the flicker of a flame of hope. Words cannot express the ache and yet deep beneath...a tinkle of joy that sends up a hope for a better future for mankind on this planet. I'll be lighting a candle tonight in my window...any spirits wandering the night are invited to stop in...sit by our tree and warm themselves by our woodstove. Please...you are all our hoped for Christmas Visitors...and our love for you lights our hearts.

DELECTABLE DAYS OF DARKNESS

The days continue to grow longer in their darkness, making daylight short but sweet. As I continue to be unemployed, I reap the great gift of experiencing the Season Of Giving without any rush or pressure. I do believe it is the first Christmas Season of my life where I do not have to squeeze the hustle bustle of the season into the few hours between work and work at home. What an incredible luxury to move into the Christmas season fully able to breathe. Even though this years' challenge comes from a non-existent cash flow, I have been savoring the sweetness of giving from my chest of hope. What's in my hope chest?

This year, I find my chest is full of time. I have time to make my wreathes. I have time to prepare my summer's worth of making medicines...tinctures, elderberry syrup, and a Native American muscle rub medicine made from the bark of the White Pine. I have time to offer my hands to help a local non-profit get a time-sensitive mailing sent out. I have time to prepare a gift for a local child challenged by her fight against Cancer. I have time to bring on the Christmas tree and enjoy it for days decorated only in lights. There is plenty of time to cook up sweet treats for the holidays and for the first time, I will be joining local folks at a Christmas celebration for the wisdom-seeking seniors of the Western Maine Senior College. After 12 years of living in this area, it is high time I spent the holidays investing my time being present here in this community.

My hope chest is also full of beanie babies. Years ago, when I was working at Abbott Library, my sister became obsessed with the beanie baby frenzy and she came up to visit me in the lunchroom and dumped a big bag of beanie babies on the table. Like a virus, the beanie baby germ spread all around the library. Beanie babies became the prize for the summer reading program. People were collecting them even as investments. I collected a crazy number of them and have kept them locked away in my chest for who knows what. I tried to sell some at my sister's yard sale this summer but every child who was drawn to an animal, I ended up giving them away. I gave away 4 or 5 and was surprised by the joy of making a childs' day. Decided right there and then, that it was time to free the beanie babies. One of my favorite memories of my sister Beth, was of a day we hung out together in Marblehead and bought little rubber animals at Hectors Pup...the local toy store. We were in our 20's but we played with those animals like we were little girls...making them dance and talk...laughing so hard we peed our pants. Beth was a gentle soul who loved animals and babies. Yesterday, I woke up and was writing my morning pages by the window. I was feeling very sad for a child who had spent the night in pain after her last dose of chemo. As I gazed out the window, an unusual winter rainbow appeared over the mountain to the northwest. I felt my sister and the Rainbow bridge appearing between worlds...and I set to work to bring that child some joy. I knew it would make me feel great but quite frankly, I had no idea how great.  I delivered a box full of beanie baby angels...each one offering an animal power to help her in her journey to healing her cancer...and each one had a matching teeny beenie to either keep or share. I read her mother's post on Facebook describing the secret box and went to bed feeling DELICIOUS! I also managed to deliver a bag to the Christmas for Kids here in Bethel and a bag full for my friend who's daughter-in-law is a physician for children with cancer. I slipped into bed last night with my heart al a tingle with bells and angels and for one very special night, I experienced the true deep Magic of Christmas...and it wasn't on TV.

This year, I dedicate my Christmas to releasing the wild animals stuffed in my chest, back into the wild where they can share their wild love with children who need a little extra hope this year. The idea makes my heart sing and the actual doing it makes my inner bells ring. Sure...I'm cash poor. But I have a heart full of animals hoping for love and plenty of connections to see that they do. ..time to put it all together and time to savor the gesture. I've crossed a Rainbow Bridge...held hands with the spirit of my sister and made at least one child believe in Magic.

The gift I have given myself? A heart filled with light. I am whole...and present. Halleleuia!